So lost...

 "Living with anxiety is like being followed by a voice .  It knows all your insecurities and uses them against you.  It gets to the point when it's the loudest voice in the room.  The only one you can hear."

My heart is racing. Feeling of pounding in my ears. Feeling like the walls are closing in on me, there is to many people around me... I can't breath....

Waking up in the middle in the night in shear panic... feeling like I am going to be attacked...

As long as I can remember I have struggled with my self confidence, being really shy and quiet in new situations.  It would even happen with family, maybe if I don't say anything I will just blend into the background.  When I was younger it wasn't so much a full fledge anxiety/panic attack but it was enough that I didn't want to socialize with people.  As I got older I would just force myself to do it, especially once I started to work with the public.  I had no choice I have to talk to the customers.  That was the thing and still is, I rather talk to the customers instead of my co-workers.  I felt lest judged, or rather their opinion didn't matter to me as much.

It was the summer of 2016 that everything change for me, in many ways.  I was in an abusive relationship, even though I got out of it my world changed forever.  I was not the same person I was before.  I completely turned inwards, hated everything about myself.  To be honest the only thing that kept me going was my daughter.  If I didn't have her, to be honest I am not sure if I would be here right now.  Instead of working with and dealing with what happen to me I just pushed it down.  If I don't think about it, it will just go away.  Well that is what I was hoping.  I ended up meeting a great man, one that treated me and my daughter better than I have every thought I deserve.  

I wish I could just say that it was a happy ending, well in the relation aspect yes,  but you remember those feelings/fears I bottle up?  Well they came back, full force sending my body into what I will call a meltdown.  After about two years of "seizures" and meds that were making it worse I was diagnose with PTSD.  Now I had a bit of answers, was hoping to get some more help.  I was on the track to start to feel better in my own skin... well so I thought.  Not long afterwards COVID hit and to be honest I feel like I am going backwards.

My anxiety about being around people or out in public has been running on high.  I have to sit in the parking lot for a few minutes to try to get it under control before going into store and even work.  Some days I rather just hide in my house and not leave.  Hide from the world, avoid contact as much as possible.  Most days I leave for work, I am almost in tears.  I come home and I am just exhausted, no energy for anything.  My current boss said to me that she wasn't sure if I would be a great fit for the company because I was so quiet and wouldn't really talk to anyone.  That statement hit home hard,  it made me realize that I am not the same person,  The real me is buried way done deep I am not sure if I will be able to find her again.

My partner will look at me and just say that he can see the pain in my eyes.  He just wants me to be happy.  I am not sure if I will be truly happy with myself again.  As much as I feel like I want to ignore my anxiety and depression, it is time to get help.  Find things I can do to help me feel better.  It is really starting to effect my physical and mental health more than ever.  If I ignore it I am going to end up right back where I was a few years ago.  I just don't even know where to begin or who to ask.  That is the major problem with my anxiety, the fear of being judge is preventing me from finding help.

I don't know what to do....

Hilary